Two months before my sister-in-law Heidi died of ovarian cancer when we all lived in California, David and Jack and I came east to visit my side of the family for Christmas.
David and I planned to go out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend, and I suggested that David drive because "he was a good driver." My brother took offense to that statement on that particular evening, thinking this was a dis to his driving. It wasn't. But he was angry at me and couldn't let it go. He was crabby and nasty during the drive to the restaurant, when we got there, while we were ordering. And not just to me. He was making the evening less than pleasant for his girlfriend and for David too. David was trying to lighten up the mood by joking around, but I was annoyed.
And in an uncharacteristic moment for me, I expressed it. I said to him that Heidi was back in California dying at that moment, and here we were, lucky to be able to share the evening together that night and we weren't appreciating each other. I told him to cut it out. I told him I wanted to enjoy the evening with my brother and his girlfriend.
And his girlfriend and David were shocked that I said that to him, each for their own reasons. And my brother settled down then.
More recently, in the last week, there have been two incidents of people I know who have stopped talking to someone. In one case it's a couple of cousins -- one saying to the other I will not share Thanksgiving with you, or Christmas or ever talk to you again. And the other was an instance of friendly acquaintances. OK, one of the friends is me. And my friend is not talking to me anymore, and I'm not sure why.
My great aunts used to do this from time to time -- sisters, who would argue and then stop talking to each other, sometimes for months or even years.
And I don't get it. A friend explained it once saying "It's like you are dead to me," but that makes no sense to me at all. You are both alive. You obviously care about each other, or you wouldn't get so angry. Why waste this time you have together.
Heidi is gone now. I have recently learned that a high school friend who has a 3-year-old daughter was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer after suffering a stroke. Life is fleeting. We don't know when it will end. This could be the last Thanksgiving we have with someone. Why waste these days?
I'm thankful for the moments I've shared with my friends and family over the years. And I'm thankful for the moments I have with them now. That's all there is.