Hard to believe that I am here already, to the place where they don't stop labor and consider you full term if you have the kiddo now.
When I was pregnant with Jack at this point in time my ankles and feet had already been so swollen for months that I couldn't wear any shoes but flip flops. My hands were numb constantly from the swelling and my occupational carpal tunnel syndrome.
And I was afraid all the time that something would go wrong. And I was afraid of labor. I think I'd spent so long being disappointed in our fertility journey and heard so many horrible stories that I didn't think anything could go right.
A few months after we lost our Will (our trisomy 18 baby conceived by IVF), an online acquaintance who had conceived with her lone embryo during her second IVF went post due. I thought at that point she was home free. But one morning she didn't feel her baby move anymore and when she went into the doctor's she learned the baby had died. Horrible horrible horrible. And the thought of that just stuck with me through my pregnancy with Jack.
Because when we started trying to conceive we learned that just getting that double pink line wasn't enough. We had the miscarriage. Then we learned that getting past that critical first trimester wasn't enough. That you CAN get a bad amnio diagnosis, even though the odds are tremendously against it. And then, through this poor woman's experience I learned that even when you are beyond that point, even when you are days away from delivering, it's still not too late for everything to go to hell.
So I was in a bad mental place when I was pregnant with Jack. A place of anxiety and nightmares. Seems like I kept hearing more stories of late term losses that just fed it further.
Once Jack got here the world changed because I was finally a mom to a living child. Jack made that happen. He made that true.
This pregnancy I am healthier because of him. I carry him around all the time. (although these days carrying him up the steps is enough to make me groan). My arms are skinnier. I have more of a basketball look than the overall fat look. I feel healthier. Some woman at the pizza restaurant told me "you look great."
Now, my ankles are a little swollen and my hands occasionally get a little numb, but it is so much less than last time.
While all the bad things that have happened have not gone away, some good things have happened in the meantime.
And mentally this time I feel like I am not afraid of labor. I am not afraid of a c-section. I am not nervous about my ability or lack there of, of taking care of my newborn. I feel more confident about myself and ability to handle all these things. And as for the breastfeeding, I feel like I have a better idea of what to do if things don't go well at first and where to go for help.