My scheduled c-section doctor, and an epiphany about my labor fears

I immediately liked my scheduled c-section OB.  She is from San Francisco originally. When I told her my Jack c-section story she laughed (anyone who laughs at my stories already gets high points).

(Jack c-section story rehash: I was paranoid to go overdue because of my online acquaintance who did and lost her IVF baby to a stillbirth. So I went in Friday night for an induction. The cervidyl did nothing and I spent all Friday night listening to women screaming up and down the hall.  Thus, when they offered to let me keep trying induction or to go with a c-section the next morning, a c-section sounded less frightening to me)

Dr. P thought this was funny. She said that in San Francisco and the Bay Area as it is called by those who live there everyone is all "naturalistic" and so they don't want epidurals.  She seemed to imply that you don' t hear so much screaming here in Pennsylvania as women here know the value of good drugs.

So I've been reading about VBACs online, and labor experiences.  The women who write their personal accounts and the stories about how to cope with the pain all talk about how you get to a point where you just have to have faith that your body knows what to do.

I was thinking about this as I was driving to my appointment today (long long drive).  And I realized that ever since the Trisomy 18 diagnosis I have lost faith in my body.  Until then I'd really worked to create the perfect environment for my embryos, giving up the things I was supposed to give up, staying in reasonable shape, eating well, etc.  But it didn't fucking matter, did it?  One of my eggs was bad, but it fertilized and it just kept going. Perhaps because of the tremendously healthy environment I had created for it.

Dr. P again said to me that Trisomies are a freak occurrence. You cannot point to anything you did or didn't do to cause it.  Maternal age is the only factor that plays a part. And even at my ripe old age of 39 (at the time) my odds of conceiving and carrying a trisomy 18 baby were 1 in 440.  How unlucky is that.

So I realized during my drive today that the Trisomy 18 experience, the emotions it caused, and my knowledge of things that went wrong for other people  likely swayed me from trusting my body to do the right thing in labor.  I mean, that happened and then the acquaintance with the still birth.  We both trusted our bodies and they fucking let us down, and down really hard.

Having just realized today this might have been part of my problem back then, I wonder if it is possible to get beyond it in the next two weeks.  I mean, I have these prenatal yoga flash cards and I can follow the meditations and breathing and asanas.  I can look up more VBAC and labor stories on the Internet.  But can I really cram as if I were doing an all-nighter for a college exam? Is that an effective approach to learning again to trust your body?  Will that get me to where I need to be successful in time for going through labor and childbirth?

And will it even matter?  I may not even go into labor before July 25, the date of the scheduled c-section.

(although this time the baby is in a good position, according to Dr. P, presenting with his head just in the right place. And amazingly, we looked at my belly today at the appointment and could SEE him breathing. It was very very cool, and Dr. P said it was a good sign for a healthy guy.  Last time Jack's head was canted off to the side and the OB said that was probably why my cervix did not "ripen" at all)

Comments

[Aurelia]

It is really really hard to trust our bodies after so many hurdles. Interesting thing though is that second labours quite often start so easily, and go well. So that little head just MIGHT be in the right place. You never know...

[cecily]

Oh, I hear you--boy do I. Between the infertility, the preeclampisia--plus the life history of being fat and a rotten dieter--I had no faith in my body at all. While I could have lived without the placental abruption the morning Tori was born, I was secretly relieved that I didn't have to do labor. :) Mostly because I was so sure that my body would hurt the baby somehow. Arg.

[Eva]

All this is very stressful, this worrying about birth. The good news is that eventually it will be a non-issue and you will have your precious new baby! One way or another.

[Eva]

All this is very stressful, this worrying about birth. The good news is that eventually it will be a non-issue and you will have your precious new baby! One way or another.

[Eva]

All this is very stressful, this worrying about birth. The good news is that eventually it will be a non-issue and you will have your precious new baby! One way or another.