Doppler, and I have pink eye

I paid for the extra fast shipping so the doppler arrived on Tuesday just before lunch. What a relief to be able to listen for the heartbeat, especially since there have been continued bleeding episodes, albeit with dark dark dark or "old" blood.

Meanwhile, I seem to have contracted the cold from hell -- one of those ones where you can't breathe through your nose at all.  And to top it off, this morning I woke up with a pink crusty eye. I am kind of a wreck.

My mixed feelings about the doppler stem from my pregnancy with William our IVF Trisomy 18 baby.  I'd gotten a doppler for that pregnancy because of the early miscarriage I'd had with our first natural pregnancy.  I felt paranoid all the time with this subsequent pregnancy that I would miscarry again.  So I frequently checked to make sure all was still well.  Funny how the heartbeat can be there and things can still totally suck.

After Will's condition (which is deemed "incompatible with life") was diagnosed via amnio but before the D&E, I stupidly listened again to his heartbeat as a way to say goodbye. It broke my own heart. 

And then I packaged up the doppler, sent an email to the company about how my baby had Trisomy 18, and left the package outside for the shipping company to pick up.  I then waited for the D&E

That memory of the last doppler during that week from hell is so vivid in my mind.  It's why I did not initially get a doppler in my pregnancy with Jack.

Actually, I did get one later. My therapist did some kind of weird therapy with me that has been used on victims of post traumatic stress disorder called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.  She told me to focus on a particular vivid memory of that week -- one of the memories was that last time with the doppler. I did this as I followed her finger with my eyes. She moved her finger back and forth like a metronome. (More info on this therapy, EMDR here) 

I actually asked her about this kind of therapy after an online friend said it had helped her deal with the loss of her twins.  When I asked about it my therapist said she'd actually been trained in it by its inventor.  We only did it once because, although it sounds like some weird little nothing, it is a really draining experience.

After we did that therapy, she asked me week after week if I'd gotten a doppler. (I was well into the Jack pregnancy). She said I didn't have to.  But eventually it almost seemed like a personal challenge to me after a while -- something I needed to do to heal more.  So eventually I got one. But I rarely used it.  I had lost faith that it could tell me whether everything was OK.

But now is different.  Now I know there are the right number of chromosomes. If there's a problem, it's most likely with the placenta.  And as bleeding continues it is reassuring to hear the little guy's heartbeat and know he's still OK in there.

Comments

[Aurelia]

OMG, I know I've talked about this, but I do EMDR, to help with the trauma of losing my pregnancies. I'm so glad it worked for you.
And I am sad about your cold and pink eye, I think there is something going on all over the blogosphere this week. Everyone is sick, or hormonal or something. Take care, sending you great big bloghugs!

[Artblog]

I did that therapy too and I'm glad to read what’s its called in your post. I was telling a friend about it the other day and couldn’t remember the name.

I had so many frightful memories of Gabrielle’s birth that I was constantly re-living it in my had on a daily basis and this therapy helped me evacuate the intensity of the feelings felt during these flashbacks. I thought it was a bit weird too but it helped me in the end. I had at least three double sessions, that’s how much I had in my head!

Best wishes from me,

[Eva]

You might be extra-stuffy because of the pregnancy hormones. I felt like I had a cold the whole time.

That was a lovely post.

I recall how excited I was to hear the heartbeat at the doctor's office (my husband wouldn't let me get a Doppler since he knew I would freak out about any irregularities that normally occur--and he was right--I was already pretty freaked out about everything and untrusting that an actual baby would come out of the pregnancy).

But I never listen to my baby's heartbeat now. I kind of miss it. I guess I could go wrestle her down and make it a game and try to listen to it over her giggles, but I'd rather hear the giggles.

When I had my bleeding scare, I lost old blood for WEEKS. Just a heads-up.