The High Tech Way

Closing

Closing on the new house was today, thousands of miles from where we are both working away in our home offices.  We have only actually seen the new place one time.  But my step father reports that it is still beautiful and in great shape. (we gave our power of attorney to him.) We wish we could see it.

We now own a home on each coast.  How insane is that?  We own two houses and have the carrying costs for both. Scary! We are hoping to do an open house for our Silicon Valley home the weekend after Super bowl Sunday.  So much work to do. 

Also, we expect to move by the beginning of March, a frightening prospect give the amount of work ahead.  Every day involves much work on the house here in SV, plus working the new full time job, plus as much time as possible with Jack.  But we have had to hire babysitters for some weekend mornings just so we can get the house on the market.  It is a stressful time.

By far the hardest thing so far was telling the directress of the infant room at Jack's awesome awesome daycare that we will be moving.  We both cried when I told her.  She was so sad she would miss her baby, and miss seeing the new one when he comes.  I promised I would send pics.

Meanwhile, as if I didn't feel bad enough taking him from his familiar happy daycare to a new place, Jack has made a best friend.  They play together all day.  If Jack wakes up first from nap time, he goes over to Declan's cot and just stands there, waiting for him to wake up.

My mom and stepfather have found a wonderful new daycare for Jack to go to that is very close to the new place.  But Declan won't be there. And neither will the wonderful staff at Jack's current daycare. Guilt guilt guilt!

Good TV, bad bad science

Adrift in a sea of reality shows ("Armed and Famous"? COME ON!)  introduced to get us through the winter hiatus of the good shows, I've recently added a few more shows to the list of those I watch.  And I am happily catching up on reruns.

But I must say that a rerun of House that was shown sometime in the last week (sorry, Tivo, so I don't know when things are actually ON) was laughable in its explanation of infertility treatments.  And that is troubling coming from a show about a genius diagnostician.

The patient was a woman undergoing "fertility treatment" a vague term served up and not explained except to say that it involved estrogen supplements and that she'd been on it for a year.  At one point the doctors considered a treatment to cure her ills (uncontrolled flailing of her limbs) that would "undo all those treatments" but the woman could start up again when she was cured.  WHAT?  I feel like I've done most every test and fertility treatment available today and I've never heard anything like that. 

But the most laughable part was the end when the doctors realized the woman must have been taking birth control pills (her husband wanted a baby and she did not). 

I mean what reproductive endocrinologist would miss something like that in all the blood panels drawn from the woman undergoing fertility treatments?  Would this doctor not look at this woman's charts?  Would he/she not notice that the woman is failing to ovulate?  And would estrogen really be the treatment for this?

Maybe I am missing something, because anovulation was not my problem.  But this just seemed ridiculous to me.

A moving experience

On Jan. 12, the day of my first OB appointment, all the inspections on the house were finally completed and reports submitted.  They showed a structural problem with the roof's original construction, one that was causing the roof to bow 2 to 3 feet in some places. Also, the electrical box was 100 amps. The code since the box had been installed had been updated to require higher amps.  These were the major defects and there were a handful of minor problems.

So we submitted the cost of repair of the major defects to the seller, asking for a price reduction. We did this on Sunday, Jan 14.  The seller had seven days to respond.  And they took all seven days to say that they'd talked to a contractor who said the problems weren't anything urgent and so they would not be offering a credit.

About halfway through our time of waiting for the seller to respond we decided we would walk away from the deal if the seller refused to negotiate.

But when the seller responded, it was clear they had more than one offer in the wings that was significantly higher than ours.

Because they were already in their new place, we knew they had carrying costs. We knew they had been looking for a quick sale and closing because they'd reduced the price of the place by 6 percent after it had been on the market only 3 weeks.  And it was a great price for the house and the neighborhood.  I guess this is the classic definition of a motivated seller.

So, when all the sudden the seller wanted to release us from the deal, and could we please hurry up and sign the release form, we started to wonder if maybe they just wanted to get rid of us.  Indeed, their realtor said "The seller does not want to sell to your client."

This from sellers who were so anxious to close the deal as soon as possible!

So we were certain they had buyers that were offering a much higher price -- a price that would cover carrying costs, roof repairs and a little extra for that long vacation they've been wanting.

We decided to step back and re-evaluate the deal on its merits rather than getting emotional over the fact that they didn't want to negotiate.

We thought about it for three days. Every day we got multiple emails from our realtor about how many calls she was getting from the seller's realtor, asking us to just sign the form so they could move on with the other buyers. It made me want to not turn on my computer.

The first of these days we were thinking about it was Monday.  I already had a full workload, but got another couple projects handed to me to finish that day too.  Then David and I had a fight. And this was all before 9 am.  Then I had to rush out to a meeting at another company. 

My cell phone was nearly dead, so I went to move the nearly full cup of three-day old cafe latte from the cup holder in front of the charger.  I managed to spill it -- a little on my lap and a little on the seat.  The bit on the seat was seeping further into my pants, so I went to get up to stop further damage. 

I didn't notice that I'd put the car in reverse. So as soon as I got out it started rolling backwards. Initially, I couldn't figure out why. I kept trying to pull up further on the emergency brake in those 5 seconds that seemed like 5 hours.  Then I noticed the gear, put it in park, and pulled up on the emergency brake again, as far as it would go.  The car stopped short of hitting the boulder across the street. 

I pulled the car back into the driveway and went back into the house to change my pants. My hands might have been shaking just a little bit.  Then I cleaned up the car and went on my way to my meeting, taking extra care in driving even though I was late.

That was my Monday morning, and the rest of the week I have just been feeling overwhelmed. Work has been so busy. The realtors kept telling us they didn't understand what was taking us so long. 

Finally, Wednesday, we told the realtors that we would continue with the deal with the house "as is." It is a tremendous value for the price and the neighborhood.  Jack can walk to school only having to cross one residential street the whole way. (not yet, in a few years.)  It just had everything we wanted and then some. Like bonus features -- a laundry chute, a jacuzzi tub (although an older bathtub sized one), and a three car garage -- unusual for the neighborhood where most people have two car garages.  This will come in handy if David decides to go forward with his plan to build a kit plane.

I feel much less stressed out since we told them of our decision, probably because they are not pushing for it so many times a day anymore.  I no longer feel like crawling under the covers to hide for the rest of the week.

Now we have to make sure all the papers are signed and in order, including the Power of Attorney, and the giant check for our closing next Wednesday, Jan 31. 

And of course, the stress of getting our place on the market has reared its head again, now that it is not overshadowed by the stress of the non-negotiating sellers and whether or not we should dump the deal.  We are putting most of the proceeds of our house sale into the new house.  But since we are buying the new place first, we had to do it in a tricky way. 

We could either do two mortgages on the new place, one that we would pay off entirely once the old house sold. Or we could do a home equity line of credit on the old house to cover the non-mortgaged part of the new house.  The interest rate was lower for the second option, so that is what we did.  That still means huge carrying costs though.

Also, the insurer of the new house says the company will cancel the insurance if we do not take occupancy in a month.  So there is a bit of time pressure here on a number of fronts.

Add to that the fact that there is a toddler living with us who takes some time and attention. (i.e. It is hard to get anything done on the packing unless he is at daycare or asleep.)

So I've been on major overwhelm this week, under a mountain of clutter as we pull everything out of everywhere and try to get it packed and in order so we can get our house listed.  I am ready for a massage and a nice soak in that jacuzzi tub, let me tell you.

Late, the way my Christmas cards usually are...

Well, you know, we had a busy holiday, and we were stuck with dial up Internet access for nearly two weeks.   But isn't he a cutie? Wasn't it worth the wait?

Meanwhile, my tardiness should improve this year as the Martha resolution is implemented.

Breastfeeding caste system?

While I was pregnant with Jack, the best parenting class I went to at the local hospital was the one on breastfeeding.  It was packed with useful information that made me feel more confident unlike some other classes which either bored me or scared me.

The LC who led the class was the chief LC at that hospital, and on the scale LC and breastfeeding zealots, she was a moderate.  Sure, she was passionate about the importance of breastfeeding and how to make it happen.  But she was a realist.  She understood that we all did not live in a perfect world where everyone had water births at home without medical intervention, where our milk came in quickly and our nipples weren't inverted or flat. She didn't blame the mom for breastfeeding problems.  Indeed, when describing some of the other attendees at lactation consultant conventions she described the zealots as those who "think you should never use a bottle and should nurse until the child goes off to college."

Don't get me wrong. I am a big believer in breastfeeding and breast milk for all babies (although I would prefer that it be commonly called "human milk" instead of breast milk.  Do we call cow's milk "udder milk"?).  Hell, I got no more than four hours of sleep per day for months and months so I could feed my baby breast milk.

But it troubles me tremendously to read stories like this about how Mothering Magazine's forums refused to let an exclusively pumping mom to list her EPing supplies -- bottles -- for sale on the site because they go against the publication's philosophy of promoting breastfeeding. Bullshit.  EPers work harder than any other breastfeeder to get that milk to their babies.  Shame on them for creating a caste system where mothers who can nurse are treated well while mothers who exclusively pump are treated like second class citizens.  That is zealotry at its worst.            

C-section vs. VBAC -- it's all about the nursing

On Friday I returned to my OB for the first time since my post-partum Jack-pot appointments.  I am beginning to remember now that I got a lot of magazine reading done while pregnant the last time, due to waiting times in both the waiting room and then in the exam room.  There is no BusinessWeek or Time in the waiting room there, so I don't have to worry about doing serious reading.  I can read House Beautiful or Coastal Living with no guilt about how I should be working instead.

When my OB asked me whether I wanted to schedule a C-Section or try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), I realized that all my thinking around this mostly has to do with breastfeeding and wanting it to be successful the next time around.  Exclusively Pumping was HARD. [Please check out this blog from an exclusive pumper who is doing it now with grace and little complaining. And she has a very cute baby too.]

It's not hard to do a pump session.  But when you are doing eight lengthy pump sessions every day, it becomes absolutely grueling!  Every time I gave up a pump session I was sad for about 10 minutes.  Then I would realize, OMG, I have more TIME!  I can sit down and rest for a few minutes!  I can do... whatever I want!

So there are some things that I want to change this time around about my hospital experience.  These things may or may not have contributed to our bad nursing experience.  But I need to give myself the best chance of success in terms of nursing the new baby.  I will Exclusively Pump again if I have to. But I DON'T WANT TO I DON'T WANT TO!  I want to have the baby fall asleep at the breast and be able to doze off myself and not have to put the baby down, grab the pump equipment and spend a half hour being milked when I could be cuddling my little boy.

Some things I think may have contributed to our problems:
1. I asked the nurse before my c-section: will you give me my baby to nurse after the procedure is over?  She said no.  And indeed, with the extra fluid that had not been squeezed out of Jack because he didn't travel down the birth canal, he spent a small amount of time in NICU having fluid sucked out of his respiratory system.  This delayed me getting him.

2. I asked the nurse to give him to me after we were in the hospital room.  They said no, his body temperature was too low. AND THEN THEY GAVE HIM A BATH INSTEAD!  This delayed me getting him again.

3. He was a sleepy baby -- always falling asleep before getting a full feeding -- and I am wondering if this is because of the drugs for the c-section and the narcotics for recovery that mom used.

4. Immediately after the c-section I wasn't able to get up to get him to nurse, so I was at the mercy of the nurses. Some of them were great and some of them were not.  I want more control next time.

 

And these things make me wonder if I should try for a VBAC.  I don't really want to personally. My c-section last time was easy, without complications, and healed very quickly. But if it would mean the difference in terms of successful nursing, a VBAC would be totally worth it.

Guilt

So I was feeling tremendously guilty for getting frustrated with my mom, and letting her know how frustrated I was.  I know I am lucky to have  a mom who is still alive and really she is a really good mom too. 

I phoned her again to apologize for going crazy, and she told me not to apologize because Pappa was mad at her too for how she'd handled the situation. You see, she said, she hadn't told me the whole story before.

The whole story:  Pappa and his sister had been planning to visit old uncle Nick in Arizona this winter.  Nick is 95.  But when Pappa came up with the idea of driving my car across the country (his idea, not mine) he thought he would stop and visit uncle Nick during the trip instead.  This left his sister to visit uncle Nick on her own.  So she called uncle Nick's son and told him of the change in plans.  Uncle Nick's son said something like "Oh, Vince isn't coming with you?  Well, I guess you can still come then if you really want to." So Sylvia decided not to go at all.  Well, when Vince/Pappa heard that he thought he should change plans back and go with Sylvia again.

But my mom didn't tell me this.  She just suggested it might be good to investigate what it costs to ship the car, because her dentist's receptionist's friend said it wasn't that bad.

So when I spoke with her again this afternoon I told her: It's OK!  We can ship the car! You just have to say that the plans have changed!  Really, no need to squirrel it around.  That is just so frustrating.

And, I said, just tell me the whole story on everything so I don't have to spend the day trying to figure  out what you really mean and rehashing our little drama.  She said she would, but somehow I don't really believe her.  It's because she is so nice. She hates to offer something and then not deliver it.  She'd rather not ask for something. 

I love my mom. She is and always has been a great mom. (just wanted to make sure everyone knew that. No buts.)

Help from my mom

Really, I don't have anything to complain about. I am pregnant, that pregnancy just got a clean bill of health in terms of chromosomal issues I have a new good job, we are moving to a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood -- one where we will not hear the expressway traffic as we fall asleep at night.

But occasionally, my mom is driving me crazy. She is very excited about this move and wants to be in the middle of it too.  So while I am focusing on a specific task, she is coming up with 12 ideas about how do to other things and asking me to stop and listen to them and then to do research on them on the Internet.

This reminds me of something that happened while we were visiting there over the holidays. Because we did not have cars with us, we were constantly tagging along with them when they ran their errands.  Jack had a cough that was keeping him up at night so I wanted to get him cough medicine.  The supermarket didn't have what I wanted to get (what his pedi had recommended), so I wanted to make another stop at the drug store.

I asked my mother to just wait in the car while I ran in to pick up what I needed because we needed to be back by a certain time and the deadline was fast approaching.  But she ran behind me to the store, saying that she wanted to help me.  So as I tried to focus on finding the one item that I knew I wanted, she pulled a bunch of others off the shelf and read the labels to me.

I know this is a very little thing. But it is just crazy making to me.

I have today off from work.  I also have a terrible cold and a work event to attend tonight.  And I need to pack up my home office, perhaps the room most densely populated with stuff, to get the house ready to sell.  So I took Jack to daycare anyway so I could pack.  While I was getting him ready to go he headbutted my face three times -- two shots to the nose and one that gave me a fat lip. He thought it was funny.

So I was feeling particularly sorry for myself this morning (even though things are really good in my life and I am not complaining about anything like that).  But I got myself out of the funk and started packing. 

Then my mom called.  Her husband had offered to fly out here with his son and drive my car back across the country.  They were planning to make several stops along the way to visit friends and relatives. I thought they were looking to do a road trip. 

But when my mom called this morning she said that a friend of the receptionist at her dentist's office had shipped her car from Colorado to the east coast for $1200. My mom suggested that I look into this because I'm so good at researching things on the Internet.

Now, I realize I should be grateful for the offer to drive my car across the country.  And I am.  But my mother's comments this morning make me wonder if Pappa (as I call him) is having second thoughts about his drive. Which is fine.  If they would just tell me what they want I could get that item checked off my list again and get back to packing my boxes.  But when I asked her that she said no, no second thoughts.  She just thought I should look into it.  She just wanted to put that item out there for me to research, taking my focus away from the boxes that are in front of me.  AHHHH!

I'll be better soon.

FISH results

You know, when you've had a bad result from a prenatal diagnostic test you think that's going to happen again, even though the odds are against it.  Most people -- the ones who haven't had the bad results -- likely go blissfully about their business, confident that such tests will reveal they are carrying a healthy baby.  That's what I was like when I was carrying our Trisomy 18 baby, Will.  Having gotten to 18 weeks without a glitch, I was confident all was ok.  And it wasn't.  And now every subsequent healthy pregnancy is overshadowed by the fear of bad things happening.

Which is why I spent most of yesterday thinking "They haven't called yet with the FISH results because they don't want to deliver bad news.  They are putting it off."  And then when it got to be 10 pm I thought maybe they hadn't called because they didn't have the results yet.

They called at around 10 this morning and the news was good. The tests for the three most common trisomies 13, 18 and 21 came back fine.  And the baby is a boy.  My audible sigh of relief was heard for miles around.

Now the question remains, can I enjoy the rest of this pregnancy?  I didn't let myself enjoy my pregnancy with Jack because I thought the Universe might notice my joy and take it away from me.  Am I over that yet?  Maybe that should be another new year's resolution. (I give myself til my birthday later this month to finish setting new year's resolutions...)

Do I have the courage now to break out the noisemakers and party hats and do the dance of joy?

The day after (CVS)

No more bleeding today, just some brown spotting that didn't even make it to the panties.  That's good news.  Still holding my breath for the test results. And there's a normal ultrasound on Friday at my OB's.  While it's not for this purpose, it will let me make sure we didn't hurt the little guy.