Ultrasounds, HPTs and anxiety

My new job has kept me alternately busy and tired in the last week, and away from this blog more than I would like to be.  Being the new guy is exhausting. You don't know the simplest things, like who will be evaluating your work and what things they will look at when they do it.  So you are just sort of guessing and asking a lot of questions of people who are already very busy.

I hate being the new guy.

However, it does have the advantage of keeping me busy enough so I'm not spending every waking minute worrying about whether this pregnancy will continue another day, or whether it may have already ended. 

It's been a week and three days since our six week ultrasound and this weekend I have not been feeling pukey at all.  This makes me so worried.  And it's when the crazy me takes over, thinking that I can somehow determine whether everything is OK or not by looking at the darkness, or potential lack thereof, of the test line on home pregnancy tests.  This exercise also gets expensive too.  And it usually just makes me more worried and more inclined to buy more of the damn sticks.  I am starting to realize, after so many many years of this, why some people call them "devil sticks." I always used to think that was a silly term, but now I'm starting to think it may have some merit.  Those sticks are crazy-making and budget-busting, and ultimately provide no answers about the ultimate outcome.

Tonight's stick seemed a little lighter than the one from two nights ago, and as I was sitting with Jack before putting him to bed I kept thinking about this pregnancy in the past tense.  How it would have been nice to have another baby.  How it would have been nice to be pregnant at Christmas.  How it would have been nice to -- well, you know what I mean.  I felt like I needed to get my heart used to the possibility that it may be over -- you know, and then if it turned out well I would be pleasantly surprised. 

I've thought about contacting my RE office and asking to do the next ultrasound tomorrow instead, or Tuesday. (It is currently scheduled for very late on Thursday afternoon.) But as I was wandering around the web this weekend I saw this old post from Julie about a momentary Zenlike approach she had to her own first trimester scans during her successful pregnancy. Her posts during this time were filled with the same kind of anxiety I find myself feeling now.  If only anxiety could be counted on as a predictor of ultimate success...

The daughter of our across-the-street neighbors stopped by late this afternoon, the one who found out about a month ago that she was already 3 months pregnant.

She wondered if we knew the outcome of our IVF cycle.  (She knew about it because she was the first person we'd asked if she could babysit Jack on the day of the embryo transfer.)  I hedged and hedged and said not really. But David old her the truth and showed her the picture of the ultrasound from six weeks (which truly required as much squinting as looking at a 9 DPO home pregnancy test).

And Elizabeth was full of excitement and congratulations. She is in her mid-20s, and was pregnant for more than 2 months without even knowing about it, so she and I approach pregnancy from different perspectives. She does not have personal experience with pregnancy loss, so it was hard for her to understand my reticence to joy and celebration. I told her my pukeyness had faded to nothing in the past few days, but her enthusiasm did not waver.

On Friday afternoon I made an appointment for the first trimester prenatal genetic testing screen, also known as Ultrascreen, and a CVS for the second Monday in January.  And I also called my previous OB's office and left a message about getting an appointment there. Could it be by the mere act of calling the Universe's attention to the fact that I saw a heartbeat on an ultrasound 10 days ago by my arrogance of scheduling such appointments that I have doomed this pregnancy already.

I guess it's good that tomorrow is the second Monday of my new job.

Comments

[maggie]

I feel for you. I remember that early pregnancy anxiety all too well, and the kind of miserable thinking that tells you the pregnancy is doomed because you dared to make an appointment for a month from now. Chin up, and toss the evil pee sticks!!!

[Plain Jane Mom]

You're just being responsible. They have to do the CVS in a narrow timeframe and it was a really good idea for you to get that booked. Are you going to that famous lady up in the city? Have you had a CVS before? I only ask because I can tell you what it was like for me if you like.

If I read this right and you don't have another US until January, hell yeah call your RE and ask for another scan. What can they say? "Nope, we don't want your money."

They of all people should understand the need for a reassurance scan. Email me if they say no and I'll go have a little "chat" with them.

[Aurelia]

Throw away the devil sticks, you probably had something to drink in the previous 2 hours and diluted the result. Simple explanation. You are probably fine, but if you need the reassurance, I'm with Jane, get another and if they say no, tell us, we'll both have a "chat" with them. Hehe, the new posse..