Thinking around and between the pregnancy, but not ABOUT it

On a day-to-day basis I am being very low key about this pregnancy, which today is 8w6d.  Last Friday I frantically tried to call my RE's office to try to schedule another scan/ultrasound for Dec. 21 so there would be one more before we left for our trip.  I also wanted to compare the results of that one at 9 weeks to the Trisomy 18 9 week ultrasound to make sure they were very different.

But the RE office must have been having their office holiday party that afternoon because the phone line was on auto-answer.  A big part of me KNEW I was just being nuts by trying to schedule another scan, especially during the gap in my medical insurance between when my last job's insurance ended on Nov. 30 and when my new job's insurance kicks in on Jan. 4. I took it as a sign and opted to NOT schedule another scan.

So somehow I am managing to keep myself very low key about this pregnancy. I don't obsess about it all day long.  (Thank you new job.)  I sometimes wonder if everything is still ok in there, but there is no way for me to know.  And I have to just quietly accept that.  My nausea is not as bad as it was, but it is still there.  And I have a new symptom, the ever-classic sore boobs.  These two things keep me moderately reassured that the embryo is still alive in there.

Also, David just got rid of a lot of our baby stuff on Freecycle, so that means this pregnancy will work out, right?  (Ah, the reasoning and negotiating that goes on in the crazy mind of a subfertile woman of advanced maternal age with one bad amnio diagnosis on her resume...)

Jack has recently shown a liking for the babies at his daycare -- both the real ones and the stuffed doll toys.  I have been trying to find him a stuffed toy baby doll ever since we had to pry the one from daycare out of his arms as we left there one night, and he cried all the way home and kept talking about the "beby" even as we fed him dinner long after the traumatic episode.   So this is a good sign that he will be accepting of a little brother or sister, I tell myself.  Still, I have yet to find him a stuffed baby doll toy.  I may have to learn how to sew.

I am very ambivalent about telling my mother about this pregnancy when we go to visit her for the holidays.  She was kind of down on the idea of us doing another IVF, so I didn't tell her about that. I think she did not want us to do it because she saw what we went through before (the Trisomy 18 pregnancy and then the insanity during a subsequent pregnancy) and didn't like the idea of us going through it again.

I am ambivalent because I don't want to give her the hope of another grandchild and then yank it away if things don't work out.  I wish the timing would have been right to have the CVS results before the visit. We will probably end up telling her anyway because I have to have at least one progesterone shot while I'm at her place.  But I don't want a big deal to be made either.  I have a need to stay low key until after the CVS. (That doesn't mean I won't be devastated if the CVS diagnosis is bad. I will be inconsolable.) But I just am monumentally uncomfortable with breaking out the party hats and noisemakers until we get the all clear.  There are very few people I have told that I am pregnant. 

Comments

[Plain Jane Mom]

Yeah, fear. It's a bitch. FYI, don't necessarily panic if the nausea goes away. I had plenty of other symptoms, but never any nausea in any of my pregnancies -- good ones or bad ones.

[maggie]

The giving-all-the-baby-stuff away - definitely a good thing. Good luck with everything - the baby, the anxiety, the holidays.

[Aurelia]

Okay, now I'm confused about why you've thrown all the stuff away? I understand not throwing a party yet...but aren't you going to have to spend a lot of money to replace it? Maybe very very soon?

And if I don't hear from you before the holidays, Merry Christmas!