Happy for this quad mom, sad for another

A colleague of mine pointed out this story today about the birth of quadruplets and how it made her misty to see such a happy ending. She is a conservative religious person and also pointed out how the couple had turned down the offer of selective reduction and everything worked out.

I am really happy for this couple too, and happy that they were able to beat the odds and deliver their quads healthy at 33 weeks gestation. But I knew of another mom in the same town a few years ago who had also turned down selective reduction and lost her quads at something like 22 weeks.  And I kept thinking about how this story must make that other mom feel.  And how it must make the other moms who at one time had been pregnant with multiples but did not beat the odds.

[I'm not advocating selective reduction and am not advocating against selective reduction. I think it's an individual choice that individuals must make with the risks in mind. There are risks of continuing with high order multiple gestation, but there are also risks that go with selective reduction.]

Indeed, my reaction to the story was to think about how many women would read it and be sad. Not because they are bitter. But because they miss their babies. My colleague suggested that the emotions of grief can be “channeled for good things.”

No doubt this is true, but when confronted with a story of the loss of quadruplets, do you tell the mom about the good work she should be doing? I don’t think so. Instead you let the person experiencing the grief guide the discussion. I think that Melissa had an excellent post on just this issue today.

I should have stopped having the conversation with this colleague, who is normally someone I genuinely like, in spite of our religious and political differences.  But I didn’t.  I told her about some other moms I knew who had gone through horrendous losses — one whose IVF baby was stillborn. And her response was “don’t some women have to face that maybe they aren’t supposed to be a mother through biological means?”

This question was tremendously offensive to me. I stopped the conversation soon after that. And I don’t think my emotional response was just a side effect of the Lupron.

On its surface the question itself asks something that someone wonders in a straightforward way: Don’t some women have to face that maybe they aren’t supposed to be mothers through biological means? (something that some of us may eventually have to accept.) But it skips over the tremendous grief that comes with losing a full term pregnancy. It skips over the the feelings of loss of identity and physical and emotional inadequacy that come with infertility. It ignores the fact that many of us feel screwed or abandoned by the God/the Universe.

It’s like asking a cancer patient, well, why can’t you just accept that your body has turned against itself? Or an obese person: don’t you know you need to stop eating so much and exercise? Or an unconnected person: can’t you just accept your career is going nowhere because you don’t know the right people and you never will?   

Not useful comments.

Comments

[Aurelia]

Yes, it is a good question about inevitableness and all. I don't mind hearing it from people who are gently putting it out there, and even debating it with some sensitivity, but you're right, it does skip over the losses and the anger.
So it makes for bad conversation with the average person. Certainly the average co-worker! Ouch...

[Fiona Young-Brown]

You're right about the way these comments belittle the genuine grief that other women are feeling. Why is it that we would never feel justified in making similar comments about other illnesses or diseases but people feel it's ok to make statements about infertility? It shows a complete lack of sensitivity.

[Mel]

Wow...I don't know if I could have walked away from the conversation (I'm proud of you for knowing when to walk away). I think some people have these ideas deeply ingrained until they are faced with their life crisis and it makes them see the rest of the world in an entirely new light.

Terrible conversation.

[katie]

If you've never had to deal with infertility then you never know how painful it can be. I don't think people mean any harm by what they say, they are just ignorant to the feelings of the person and what they are going through. It's a personal decision when to say "enough" and decide that you're going to have to become a Mom through other means. I did just that, but I would not want someone to make that decision for me or tell me just to accept it.

[isabel]

I'm really late to the party on this post but I have to comment: that is just a really horrible thing to say. Why is IF sent directly from God and other bad things not so? Why do people say things like that? My own father said a similar thing to me. I told him God wanted him to die of heart disease and he shouldn't fight it any longer. Luckily, he laughed and said he 'got it'. And I'm glad he did, because otherwise I'd have a hard time forgiving him.